Apostle's Court! (A Play in One Act)

Scene: A courtroom. On one side sit seven men dressed in suits, with various bandages, slings, stitches, and bruises. On the other side sits a lone man in a rumpled suit with large coke-bottle glasses, furiously scribbling on a yellow legal pad. A bailiff, dressed as a Roman soldier, and a narrator are also present. There is a gavel and a glass of water on the judges bench.

Narrator: "What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in an Ephesian municipal court. Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here, in our forum: Ephesian Court!"

These are the plaintiffs: The Seven Sons of Sceva Exorcism and Practical Magic, Inc. They say their recent injuries, and their damaged reputation as exorcists are the fault of the defendant, and they are suing him for medical costs and damages.

This the defendant: Paul of Tarsus. A tent-maker. He claims that he had nothing to do with the Seven Sons of Sceva’s recent troubles.

In a moment, the case of the The Seven Angry Men. Judge Wapnerius will appear shortly to hear testimony from the two parties.

(Judge Wapnerius enters)

Bailiff: All rise!

Judge: Please be seated. I’ve read your statements. Now, who is addressing the court on behalf of the plaintiff?

(One of the sons of Sceva stands)

Son of Sceva: I am, your honor. Eliazar bar-Sceva, eldest of the sons of Sceva.

Judge: And what is the nature of your business?

Son of Sceva: We are traveling exorcists, your honor.

Judge: The name on your business card says “exorcism and practical magic.” Why did you not say you were a magician as well?

Son of Sceva: Your honor, that is an accommodation to the marvelous Greek culture here in the city of Ephesus and elsewhere in the province of Asia. The term “magic” has a negative connotation for our people, the Jews.

Judge: I see. Yet you do perform magic?

Son of Sceva: What you would call magic, yes, your honor. Fortunes, forecasts, lucky charms, blessing, maledictions, and the like. We are followers of a great tradition of our people which dates back to the great king Solomon. We have extensively trained in recipes, potions, angelology and demonology, and have a vast collection of powerful amulets and magical papyri. We take our business very seriously, your honor.

Judge: Very well. And you are suing this man, a fellow Jew, on what grounds?

Son of Sceva: Your honor, the defendant’s preaching of the man Jesus has caused my brothers and I physical harm, emotional distress, and caused our business to suffer…

Paul: (Interrupting) I am on trial for the hope and resurrection of the dead!!

Judge: (Angrily) Mr. Paul! You will not speak unless addressed by the court! Is that clear?

Paul: I will render to all what is due them – custom to whom custom, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor.

Judge: Ahem. Well. From now on, when you address the court, you will address us as “Your honor.” Mr. bar-Sceva, please explain how you and your brothers received your injuries.

Son of Sceva: Yes, your honor. Last month, my brothers and I had gone to perform an exorcism on a gentleman in the city, and…

Judge: (Interrupting) Excuse me, I need some clarification. You were all together?

Son of Sceva: Yes, your honor.

Judge: Why is it necessary for the seven of you to cast out one demon?

Son of Sceva: Your honor, it is widely acknowledged that the number seven is a holy and sacred number, and my brothers and I find our power most effective when we work in concert. Our business slogan is: “For the blessing of heaven, go with lucky seven!”

Judge: Very well, please continue.

Son of Sceva: Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, we had gone to perform an exorcism. As is widely known, the most effective way to deal with possessions is to name over the offending spirit a more powerful name, and command the spirit by the authority of the name, whether it be an angel or some other such supernatural force.

Judge: Yes, I see. That practice is common.

Son of Sceva: Recently, in Ephesus, since the arrival of this man (he hooks a thumb at Paul), the name of one Jesus has been used frequently for the performing of miraculous healings and exorcisms. We came into the house in question, and said over the possessed man “I command you by Jesus whom Paul preaches.” (He stops, finding it difficult to continue)

Judge: Yes, and then what?

Son of Sceva: (Choked with rage) The evil spirit said, “I recognize Jesus, and I have heard of Paul – but who are you?” Then the possessed man flew into a rage such as I have never seen, and brutally attacked my brothers and me. We were forced to flee the house in a state of undress. The next day, the incident was well-known all around the region. Our business has suffered greatly. We are a laughing-stock!

Judge: Mr. bar-Sceva, I am sorry for you and your brothers’ troubles, but I fail to understand the defendant’s connection to your unfortunate circumstances.

Son of Sceva: Your honor, I have never seen an evil spirit more agitated than at the mention of this Jesus and Paul. I believe something sinister is going on here. I believe that this man, Paul, is himself a magician and has used some previously unknown magic to disrupt the natural order.

Judge: Explain yourself, Mr. bar-Sceva.

Son of Sceva: What you call magic is formulaic, your honor. It is a verifiable and repeatable process by which mortals may attain control over the forces of the natural and supernatural worlds.

Judge: Yes, I am familiar with how it works. This is Ephesus, after all.

Son of Sceva: I believe this man, Paul, has introduced the name of this Jesus in such a way that it is disrupting all previously effective magic, either canceling it out or rendering it explosively unpredictable. In fact, I believe Paul has conspired with the devils to assure that they cooperate with none but himself, that he intends to replace both the Greek and Jewish religion with his own so-called Way, and through the name of this Jesus, that he proposes to monopolize magical practice in the city of Ephesus, and the entire Roman Empire!

Judge: Great Artemis! These are incredible claims, Mr. bar-Sceva!

Son of Sceva: I am aware of that, your honor, but I believe a look at the reputation of this man, especially recent events in Ephesus, bear this out. In my investigations into his activities, I have found that nearly everywhere that he goes, riots and angry mobs appear, and that he is continually in trouble with the law. In particular, in the great city of Philippi, he was arrested for ruining the business of legal fortune-tellers. In Ephesus, shortly after his arrival, he was kicked out of the synagogue, the local assembly of Jews, a situation which has occurred with frightening regularity wherever he goes.

(Judge Wapnerius begins to drink from his glass of water)

Since his time here - and I have exact figures for this, your honor – he has induced many formerly loyal customers of ours and other magicians of the city to abandon our services – both Jews and Greeks - and even burn magical papyri worth 50,000 pieces of silver!

Judge: (Spits out water in shock) Hephestus’ Fiery Forge! That’s 137 years wages!!

Son of Sceva: And we wish to make clear, your honor, that this lawsuit has not been brought merely because this man has bested in us in business competition. In further researching this Jesus whom Paul preaches, we found the master is worse than the disciple! It is said among our people that this Jesus was a magician as well, in league with the devil, that he was a notorious flouter of our people’s laws, an associate of anti-Roman zealots, and was in fact crucified as a blasphemer and an insurgent!

Judge: Zeus’ Thunderbolts! How horrible!! (Puts his hand over his face to compose himself) Mr. Paul. The accusations leveled against you are most severe, but this
is Rome – we are nothing if not thorough – the court will hear you out. What can you tell us about your association with this condemned criminal Jesus?

Paul: (Stand up, takes glasses off and wipes them, puts them back on, flips through
yellow legal pad) Your honor, I am a Jew, born in Tarsus in Cilicia, and I
formerly persecuted this Way to the death, and I received letters from the leaders of our people and started off from Jerusalem to Damascus in order to…

Judge: (Interrupting) Mr. Paul, I did not ask for your life story. Tell me if you or this Jesus person have anything to do with the injuries to the health and reputation of the Sons of Sceva.

Paul: Jesus the Messiah has disarmed the rulers and authorities of this world, and made a public display of them, having triumphed over them through the cross.

Judge: I beg your pardon? I am an authority of this world, may I remind you. And what sort of bizarre triumph is a cross of execution?

Paul: We preach the Messiah crucified, to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, the Messiah the power of God and the wisdom of God.

Judge: Mr. Paul, do not presume to lecture the court about wisdom. I am asking you to clarify your association with a crucified criminal.

Paul: I am a bond-servant of the Messiah Jesus, called as an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God, concerning His Son who was declared the Son of God with power by the resurrection from the dead – Jesus the Messiah, our Lord.

Judge: (Icily) Mr. Paul, tread carefully. Rome is renowned for its allowance of native religions such as yours, but our very coinage declares our great Caesar son of god and lord. Back to the matter at hand - you assert that this Jesus is still alive?

Paul: I deliver to you what I also received, that He was buried, and that He was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures.

Judge: (Sarcastically) Mr. Paul, if this Jesus is alive as you say, would you contact him and ask him to appear in this court, since he seems to be the primary cause of the damage in this case?

Paul: Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? Do you not know that we shall judge angels?

Judge: (Pinching between eyes in frustration) I swear, Mr. Paul, that I often do not have the slightest idea what you are talking about.

There will be a brief recess while I decide the case!

(Judge Wapnerius exits. The sons of Sceva glare at Paul, while he writes some
more on his legal pad and quietly sings ‘Amazing Grace’)

Bailiff: All rise!

Judge: This is a most singular case. Several facts have led me to my ruling. It is
indisputable that the presence of Mr. Paul has caused a great disturbance in the city and that this is a pattern of behavior with him. From our brief conversation I have my suspicions that his chariot may not be running on both wheels. However, this specific case hinges on the damages caused by an evil spirit, and the case that Mr. Paul is directly responsible for its behavior. First of all, it is beneath this court to take an evil spirit at its word, and so the demon’s mention of Mr. Paul is suspect. Secondly, whatever else Mr. Paul may be, he is not a magician in the traditional sense of the word. Thirdly, and most pointedly, if I may say to you and your brothers Mr. bar-Sceva, it seems based on your testimony that you attempted to use the power of a name that you had no direct experience with, and as your testimony states, it was only later that you discovered the disreputable nature of this Jesus and Mr. Paul. The dishonor and damage done to you and your business is your own doing for engaging in poor research and shoddy magician-ship. Therefore, in spite of my personal dislike for Mr. Paul, I find in favor of the defendant.

(The sons of Sceva groan and mutter)

Judge: (Banging gavel) Order! Order I say!

Paul: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Judge: That does it Mr. Paul! Though I find in your favor today, let me give you some advice. You need to leave the city of Ephesus as quickly as possible, or I foresee worse conflict between you and the citizens of this fair city. And I predict also that your bizarre and disturbing religious beliefs, not to mention your abrasive attitude and lack of inter-personal skills, will continue to get you into trouble with the law. Unless you change your ways, your head will end up separated from your shoulders.

Paul: To me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Judge: Well, you may get your wish sooner rather than later. Case closed! (Bangs gavel)

Narrator: If someone files a lawsuit against you and you're convinced you've done nothing wrong, don't be intimidated. The best policy is to go to court and stand up for your rights.

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Based on Acts 19:13-20

Paul’s quotes: Acts 23:6, Romans 13:7, Acts 22:3-5, Colossians 2:15, 1 Corinthians 2:23-24, Romans 1:1-, 1 Corinthians 15:3-4, 1 Corinthian 6:2,4, Philippians 4:13, 1:21

Thanks to Everett Ferguson’s great section on “Magic and Maledictions” (what a great word) in Backgrounds of Early Christianity

Thanks to Judge Wapner, first and greatest of TV judges

Around the Office: Deluxe Miracle Jesus

Man, April was a crazy, crazy month, as evidenced by the fact that I only posted six times. May (so far) looks like there will be more time for the three R’s – reflection, response, and writing stuff.

A friend of mine bought this for me a while back at a toy store in Austin. It’s not just any old Jesus action figure – it’s Deluxe Miracle Jesus! He comes with five loaves and two fish, and a water/wine jug (on one side the interior of the jug is blue, the other is red – awesome).

And – the best of all – glow-in-the-dark hands!!

There is a lot to say about Deluxe Miracle Jesus. A lot. I’ll break it down into categories.

I. Deluxe Miracle Jesus As A Toy
I think we’ve all seen action figures of Jesus, but have we really given much thought to Jesus as an action figure? I can only speak from my own experience, but the primary utility of an action figure, to me, was to create and live out your own adventures. In the cartoons Superman might never make it out to the Sahara and discover that Skeletor had kidnapped Wonder Woman, and he certainly wouldn’t usually team up with Spider-Man to save her (two different comic companies, you know), but that could happen in my sandbox.

Is this an appropriate thing to encourage children to do with Jesus? It seems like you’re veering uncomfortably close to blasphemy if you have Jesus team up with Batman to fight the Joker, or the Devil, or a Devil-possessed Joker (though stranger things have happened in comics). Wouldn’t children be encouraged instead to stick with the canonical stories? Get yourself a “Herod’s Temple Playset” with flipping-over-table action? Ok, that actually sounds fun, but essentially what you are doing is re-enacting stories you’ve already seen – is that fun? By a strict definition, it’s not “play.” “Play” has no rules. Sports have rules, and games, and art, but not play (my wife does play therapy a lot with children– she takes this distinction very seriously). Can you really “play” with a Jesus action figure? Can you really “create” with one? (There’s a theological pun in there somewhere.)

Now - other Biblical characters? I think there's a lot more potential there. A quick Google search reveals a LOT of Bible action figures, including Moses, Noah, David, Goliath, Samson, and...Esther?

Ah, I see now, Esther, as a queen, and a girl action figure, comes with a ton of changes of clothes. And a tambourine. There is a lot of potential here. A LOT (strangley, there is no Lot action figure...). But it would take us too far afield from the present topic. Come back soon for more on Bible action figures.

Putting these more theoretical issues aside, here are the pros and cons to this particular Jesus action figure.
Cons:
* Not much articulation, he can only move his wrists, hands, and head. In other words, this version of Jesus will not be drop-kicking anyone, through goal posts or otherwise (though he could flip over tables).
* Those little loaves and fish aren’t going to last long.

Trust me on this – accessories are the first thing to disappear forever from a toy collection, followed by removable costume pieces like helmets and capes, then arms and/or legs. I still mourn the childhood loss of The Lone Ranger’s tiny, tiny guns.


Pros:
Four words (hyphenated) – glow-in-the-dark-hands! Glow in the dark toys remind me of these bad boys:


II. Deluxe Miracle Jesus as a Product of Our Culture
I heartily recommend to you the book “They Like Jesus But Not the Church” by Dan Kimball.

It will make you think – a lot – about the culture around us and how best to reach them with the gospel that changes lives.

In chapter three, “Jesus as Son of God and Plastic Action Figure,” he says:
“Something about Jesus fascinates us. Whether we want him on our dashboards or on our T-shirts or in the lyrics of our songs, he has become something of a pop icon in our culture. ..It’s almost impossible to tell sometimes which Jesus paraphernalia comes from Christians and which comes from pop culture.

What makes all of these products and all of this attention to Jesus interesting and exciting is that, combined with all the interest in and respect for Jesus among many people, it is becoming easier to talk about Jesus. Most people today, whether in a church or outside the church, believe Jesus is a good person who has some sort of spiritual insight.”

Deluxe Miracle Jesus is a great example of this. The sides of the box have the passages which talk about the miracles which the accessories are based on (both from the gospel of John). The back text of the box talks about the meaning of his name, and his place in various world religions, from prophet of Islam to avatar of Hindus to the Christian designation as Son of God.

The text box on the back concludes, “Although he is understood in many different ways, everyone seems to agree that he was an extraordinary man.”

Which leads us to our third point…

III. Deluxe Miracle Jesus as a Theological Statement
As a toy, glow-in-the-dark-hands are awesome. As a statement of belief, this is completely wrong, and a fun little heresy that has been popping up since the second century or so. In the theology world, we call it docetism. In the real world, we call it “believing Jesus wasn’t fully human.”

It’s understandable why we would fall for this. We worship the resurrected Christ, the Son of God, the second person of the Trinity, the agent of creation, the image of the invisible God, etc. When we read the gospels, especially those stories involving miracles, healing, and God-given foreknowledge, we transpose the heavenly Jesus onto the figure who lived in first-century Palestine. We imagine Jesus as almost but not quite floating six inches off the ground. We see him as untroubled, sinless, always in control of every situation, able to read the mind of God and everybody else, able to perfectly discern God’s will, and maybe even with glow-in-the-dark-hands. We even imagine such thoroughly human people as Abraham, David, Peter, and Paul in this or similar ways. We take our heroes of the faith and make them more than human. We make them angels.

But – none of these people were angels. And neither was Jesus. He was a man. Everybody who met him saw him as a man. No one who saw his physical appearance said “That guy must be divine.”

And – get this, no one who saw him do miracles thought he was divine. When he calms the storm the disciples say, “What kind of man is this?” The Samaritan woman to whom he revealed knowledge he could not have received on his own did not say, “Sir, I perceive that you are the Son of God.” She said, “Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet.” And prophets were human.

There has been a lot of ink spilled over how the human and divine nature of Christ are related – that isn’t my concern here. My concern is a more practical one. How did Jesus do what He did? How did he know what he knew? And what if (cue ominous music) the power that he used to do such things were also available to His followers – to those who are in him?

Jesus got hungry. Jesus got tired. Jesus got worn out by crowds. Jesus got angry. Jesus got stressed out. Jesus got thirsty. Jesus was deeply moved and upset by the sin around him. Jesus was deeply moved by compassion for those hurting around him. Jesus wept for his dead friend. All of these things are part of what makes us human.

Jesus wasn’t afraid when all others around him were. Jesus wasn’t confused when everyone else around him was. Jesus knew what God required from him, and he didn’t waver in doing it. He knew His life’s purpose. Jesus spoke with authority. Jesus loved with abandon. Jesus healed the sick. Jesus saw people as God saw them, not as how they were labeled by their culture (especially their religious culture). Jesus did not sin. And I propose to you that all of these things are every bit as much characteristics of humanity as the characteristics in the paragraph above. They are characteristics of a human who is in right relationship to the Father.

When we think about humanity in religious terms, we usually think in terms of negatives. Sin, brokenness, and eventually death. But God made humans to be good – completely good – righteous, whole, and alive. That’s what it really means to be human. We see Jesus' example of being righteous, whole, and alive, and we think “he’s more than human.” He’s a Deluxe Miracle Action Figure, a superhuman in human form. But we’ve got it backward. Jesus is the only person who did “human” the way it was always supposed to be. It’s not that he was more than human – it’s that we are all less than human. We’re missing the one key thing that makes a human fully human – a right relationship with God.

How did Jesus, the human, get this right relationship? Well, you’re not going to believe this, but apparently – according to the gospels - Jesus got this right relationship through prayer and reading the scriptures.

We read the divinity of Jesus that we believe now back onto the Jesus of the first-century, and we imagine that Jesus had some sort of heavenly telepathy, and powers of transmutation. We read the divinity of Jesus that we believe now back onto the Jesus of the first-century and we miss that he asked the Father to give his disciples (that’s us, too!) the same kind of connection as he had to the Father.

The last word here is that, of course, Jesus is also divine. He is, in a sense that is very difficult to articulate, but not hard to believe, God. What we sometimes miss is the moment that people started saying these kinds of things about Jesus. It was after his resurrection from the dead. “You know, what, everybody,” the disciples said to each other, “I think we can now safely conclude that Jesus was the Messiah, the son of God.” The same Jesus they ate breakfast with, took long walks with, saw perform miracles, saw DIE, and then – saw alive again. Not a ghost, zombie, or angel – but the real, honest-to-God Jesus, back from the dead, never to die again. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t the Son of God before (that’s another heresy that’s been around a looong time). It means the resurrection confirmed for the disciples and the world what had already been true in the kingdom of God.

We'll let Peter have the last word here, from his Pentecost sermon - but pay attention to how and when Peter refers to his friend and master, Jesus:

“Men of Israel, listen to these words! Jesus the Nazarene, a man accredited to you by God with miracles and wonders and signs which God performed through him in your midst, just as you yourselves know – this man, delivered over by the predetermined plan and foreknowledge of God, you nailed to a cross by the hands of godless men and put him to death. But God has raised Him up again, putting an end to the agony of death, since it was impossible for Him to be held in its power…This Jesus God raised up again, to which we are all witnesses…Therefore let all the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord and Christ – this Jesus whom you crucified.” – Acts 2:22-24, 32, 36

Bible Verses That Freak Me Out #5 - Kicked By An Angel - Acts 12:7

"And behold, an angel of the Lord suddenly appeared, and a light shone in the cell; and he struck Peter's side and roused him, saying, "Get up quickly." And his chains fell off his hands." - Acts 12:7

Let's review...
Peter is in prison after the death of James, likely facing execution. In the middle of the night an angel appears, shines a bright light, and proceeds to smack Peter in the side to wake him up.

Awesome.

I like to think the angel kicked him, because "Kicked By An Angel" is funny.

I just know there's more to this story. Now, angels in the Bible aren't usually the comforting spirits or delightful cherubs we've grown used to imagining. Whenever angels appear in the Bible, the first thing they have to say to people is something along the lines of, "Please calm down." Either that or they already have their swords drawn and let that speak for them. Regardless, when angels show up in the Bible people freak out and want to die. ("Heavenly host" is a military term, after all.)

Come back to tomorrow for "Likely Reasons An Angel Would Smack You."