Stained glass at St. Pancras Parish Church, London
Cast: Woman – a Samaritan with a secret
Jesus – a Jew on a mission
Disciples – 12 guys buying groceries
Narrator – introducer and epiloguer
Setting: Exterior, outside the town of Sychar, Samaria, 1st century AD;
Midday, Jesus is seated at a large stone well
Lights up on Narrator, far stage left.
NARRATOR: Jesus left Judea and went away again into Galilee. And he had to pass through Samaria (Normally, the Jews had no dealings with Samaritans). So he came to a city of Samaria called Sychar, near the parcel of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph; and Jacob’s well was there. The disciples went away into the city to buy food, and Jesus, being wearied from his journey, was sitting by the well.
Lights down on Narrator, up on Jesus and stage right.
Woman approaches from stage right with a large water jar. When she notices Jesus she stops suddenly.
WOMAN: (speaking to self/audience) Crap. Crap crap crap. I come to the well in the farcockteh midday sun specifically to avoid people and there’s some guy relaxing all by himself. Perfect. Now what? If I go back home I’ll just have to come all the way back later. Crap. (She takes a few steps closer, and then stops again) Crap! A Jew! Of course there’s a Jewish man at the well in the frickin’ middle of the day! Because the only thing better than being talked to like you’re trash is being looked at like you’re trash and not being spoken to at all. This is perfect. Perfect! Maybe when I get home the Romans will have burned down the town. Or better yet, all my ex-husbands will be in town for a reunion! That’s the only thing that could make this day better. Oh, well, at least I won’t have to talk to him.
(Woman goes to the well and prepares to draw water, not looking at Jesus)
JESUS: Give me a drink.
WOMAN: (to self) Wait, what? What just happened? Is he talking to me? Wait – jerk just asked me to give him a drink! What, do I have a sign on me that says, ‘servant of Jews’? Well, if we’re breaking protocol now, I’ll just break protocol right back atcha!
(to Jesus) How is it that you, being a Jew, ask me for a drink since I am a Samaritan woman?
(to self) Translation, you pompous jerk, ‘No, I will NOT give you a drink!’
JESUS: If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.
WOMAN: (to self) Oh crap. He’s flirting with me. “If you knew the gift of God” – like I haven’t met enough men who thought they were God’s gift! And what kind of jackass asks me for a drink, and when I tell him no, says I really should ask him for a drink? This is not what I need today. Reach deep down, girl. Reach deep – I’m going to politely put this Jew in his place and remind him where he is.
(to Jesus) Sir, you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep; where then do you get that living water? You are not greater than our father Jacob, are you, who gave us the well, and drank of it himself and his sons and his cattle?
(to self) Ha! Deal with that!
JESUS: Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I give him will never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.
WOMAN: (to self) Ok, he’s not flirting with me. He’s just crazy. And apparently thinks he’s a prophet. I can deal with that – I’ll play along, take the tract, say ‘God bless,’ and then get out of here and go home.
(to Jesus) Sir, give me this water, so I will not be thirsty nor come all the way here to draw.
(to self) Give me this water (snicker). Girl, you are bad!
JESUS: Go, call your husband and come here.
WOMAN: (to self) Ho. Ly. Crap. This day just gets better and better. Why don’t you just give me a paper cut and pour lemon juice on it while you’re at it?** Calm down, girl. He’s a Jew, remember – probably just wants to give the prophetic word to the “man of the house.” Easy now. This is a blessing in disguise – I’ll tell him the truth, and then get out of here quicker.
(to Jesus) I have no husband.
JESUS: You have correctly said ‘I have no husband;’ for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly.
WOMAN: (to self) Oh. My. Good. God! This is a trap! A trap! A set up! Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no. Wait – that’s not possible. He’s a Jew, what does he care about Samaritan adultery cases? Oh, no! He’s got a demon! He can read my mind! Oh, no. I have to get out of here – change the subject! Anything – politics! Religion! Both! Deep breath…
(to Jesus) Sir, I perceive that you are a prophet. Our fathers worshiped in this mountain, and you people say that in Jerusalem is the place where men ought to worship.
JESUS: Woman, believe me, an hour is coming when neither in this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You worship what you do not know, for salvation is from the Jews. But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshippers. God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.
WOMAN: (to self) Ohhhhhhhh………k. Wasn’t expecting that. That’s usually a guaranteed fight with a Jew. He did say “salvation is from the Jews” – that stings. But I did say “you people” - not classy of me. What kind of Jew says people won’t worship in Jerusalem? For that matter, what kind of Jew would say God is my Father as much as his? Well, really, what kind of Jew knows my entire personal history without ever meeting me? I think – ok, I think he is a prophet. Huh. A Jewish prophet in Samaria! Well, ok, prophet, I got a question for you...
(to Jesus) I know that Messiah is coming (He who is called Christ); when that one comes, He will declare all things to us.
(to self) Translation: when is the Messiah coming, prophet guy?
JESUS: I who speak to you am he.
WOMAN: (to self) Well…...didn’t see that one coming. Ok, ok, You can figure this out. Jewish guy. Speaks to women, and Samaritans, at that. Promises living water that will forever quench thirst. Knows things about me my own mother doesn’t know. Mentions five husbands and current fornication casually in the conversation, but doesn’t call me harlot or adulteress or anything – just matter-of-fact about it. Talks about God like they’re on first name basis. And…claims to be Messiah. I really need that drink.
Disciples approach from stage right with grocery bags – everyone stands looking back and forth at each other silently and awkwardly for about two minutes, except Jesus, who just looks at Woman like he’s waiting for a response. Suddenly, the Woman gets up and, leaving her water jar, crosses to far stage right.
WOMAN: (to self) Ok. Ok. He also has a bunch of disciples. Twelve, like the sons of Jacob. Ok. Ok. May have just met the Messiah. Deep breaths. Have to tell somebody. Have to tell everybody! What do I say, “Guess what everyone, possible Messiah up at Jacob’s well?” I don’t even know his name – forgot to ask. He didn’t ask my name either. Weird. Can’t think about that. Just have to go. Crap! Left my water jar!
Woman exits stage right
Lights down on Jesus and Disciples, up on Narrator
NARRATOR: So the woman went into the city and said, “Come, see a man who told me all the things I have done; do you think this could be the Messiah?” And from that city many of the Samaritans believed in him, because of the word of the woman who testified, “He told me all the things that I have done.”
End.
* I had the hardest time coming up with a title for this. I thought about “The Original Water-Cooler Conversation” and then I got stuck for a while on “All’s Well That Ends Well.” Horrible!
**Thanks, Princess Bride!
