Halloween: Carols

In an effort to make Halloween even more like Christmas, I am proud to present my offerings for Halloween carols. They are new lyrics to familiar tunes, because, well – I can’t write music.

“Chompy the Vampire”
(to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Chompy the Vampire, was an evil ghastly sight
He had putrid breath and was pale as death ‘cause he only walked at night
There must have been some garlic in that pasta that I ate
For when his fangs were on my neck he roared with hellish hate
Oh, Chompy the Vampire, was alive as he could be
Which is to say, he was dead by day
And drank blood fortnightly

Chompity chomp chomp, Chompity chomp chomp
Look at Chompy go!
Chompity chomp chomp, Chompity chomp chomp
You look a few pints low

Chompy the vampire, knew he couldn’t stand sunrise
So he said “I’ll fly, through the moonlit sky, so I won’t be vaporized!”
Down to the village, with Van Helsing on his trail
Appearing here and there, biting maidens fair
Sayin’ “Foolish mortals! I am eternal! I am your master!!!”
With dozens dead he went to bed inside his coffin bunk
When Van Helsing caught up to him, and the wooden stake went “THUNK!”
Oh, Chompy the Vampire, knew death’s sweet embrace
As his face decayed, you could hear him say, “I’ll be back again some day!”

Chompity chomp chomp, Chompity chomp chomp
Look at Chompy go!
Chompity chomp chomp, Chompity chomp chomp
You look a few pints low!

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“Trick or Treat”
(to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)

Just give me candy mister
And me and sister will go
Oh, we don’t want no trouble
Our TP’s double rolled!

I’ve got eggs by the dozen
And Sid my cousin has glue
Come on and fill this cooler
With Jujubes and Baby Ruths

Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up
Let’s go
You’re moving too slow
We still got a dozen blocks to go

Hurry up hurry up hurry up it’s nice
To be in disguise
And get candy from people you threaten to vandalize!

Our sugar level’s spiking
As we go hiking along
We’re downing Reese’s Pieces
Like E.T. is when he goes home

Let’s take the road before us
You can’t ignore our refrain
If someone gives us apples
We’ll dish out a crapload of pain

When we get home we’ll stack our stash like it’s a pile of hay
We’ll be green and sick and nauseous for at least two days
We’ll be eating the stuff we love to eat without a single stop
Till all the buttons on our pants' fronts go pop
Pop, pop, pop!

There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy
When you put dog doo in a sack and set the thing on fire
Sneak up to the porch, ring the doorbell and quickly run away
These wonderful things are the things we’ll remember all through our days!