Better Living Through Zoology: What To Do If You Meet A Bear and/or Mountain Lion

Just got back from a family reunion in Colorado - good times. In particular, we had a good time hiking in Red Rock Canyon and the trail to Catamount Falls, both outside Colorado Springs. We also saw some fun signs telling you what to do if you encounter a bear, and what to do if you encounter a mountain lion. I have some experience in this area, as I own two bear-like dogs and a cat, which is like a mountain lion, but smaller. So, I will comment on the tips given by the signs, and give some helpful hints from my own experiences.

Bear
From the sign:
* "Stay calm" - Good luck with that.
* "Avoid direct eye contact" - Try looking at the teeth or claws instead.
* "Speak to the bear in a low, firm voice" - Try to sound like Barry White. Bears love Barry White.
* "If the bear charges you, stand your ground." - You are a rock. You are Gibraltar.

Tips from experience with bear-like dogs:
* Say "who's a good bear?" When the bear begins to wag its tail, pat it on the head.
* Throw a stick for the bear to retrieve.
* Give the bear a bone-shaped biscuit.
* Do not try to ride the bear like a horse - bears do not like this.
* Scratch the bear on the tummy, or on the butt just above the tail.

Mountain Lion
From the sign:
Most of the tips here are similar to that of bears, but this one is good.
* "Make yourself large" - They recommend raising your arms above your head to accomplish this. I recommend donuts, ice cream, and Twinkies. It seems counter-intuitive, but the cougar prefers its meat lean.

From experience with other felines:
* Do not attempt to put the mountain lion in the shower. It may look like it wants to get into the shower, but it does not.
* Bring a larger mountain lion with you.
* Try to make a sound like a hair-dryer, vacuum cleaner, or garage door opener. They hate that.
* Scratch the mountain lion on the butt, just above the tail. Do NOT scratch the mountain lion on the tummy.
* Bring a laser pointer. The mountain lion will chase that thing for hours, all over the mountain. I cannot stress this one enough.

Well, there you have it! Happy hiking!