"Hellhouse" - Ways to Improve

One of the interesting things about being a youth minister is receiving lots and lots of things in the mail from people who would like me to spend my youth budget on stuff they sell. This includes t-shirts, Six Flags tickets, minor and major league baseball games, ski trips, Christian illusionists, comedians, bands, retreats, conferences, camps, mission trips, fund raising opportunities, and donkey basketball - well, not donkey basketball. Yet.

This week I have received two separate invitations to spend the youth budget on "Hellhouse." For the blessed among you who do not know, "Hellhouse" is a "Christian haunted house." The brochure I have in front of me describes it as "a ministry tool designed to help people face the reality of eternity by presenting different 'real life' scenes which portray death, demonic control, heaven and hell."

You see, in your traditional haunted house, you pay for the privilege of wandering through a series of dimly lit hallways where gory props and people dressed as an assortment of goblins, zombies, and serial killers with power tools pop out and try to scare the bodily fluids out of you. Fun for all ages.

At "Hellhouse" you pay for the privilege of seeing a variety of scenes acted out in a series of rooms. You can usually expect to see scenes of: drug overdose, gang violence, abortion, "demonic control" (that's in the brochure!), and some form of horrific car crash. (I wish I was making this up). You are also guaranteed to see a scene of two people post-death, standing before some sort of angelic light. One of these people will be taken to heaven, and the other will be dragged to Hell for eternity by demons while being told "It's too late, you decided in life not to follow Jesus - sucks to be you." Hence the name "Hellhouse." After this, a minister will briefly present the message of the gospel and ask if anyone would like to accept Jesus as their Savior.

I now reach deep, deep down into the best part of me and tell you that I honestly believe such things are put on by well-meaning people. They want teenagers to experience salvation. They want teenagers to meet Jesus. And they have figured out a way to present the gospel in a format that will attract a somewhat different crowd of teenagers than the usual youth group.

BUT - there may be some problems with this approach:
1) Ideally, Christianity is a lifelong commitment to be a disciple of Christ. While grateful, awed love for the grace of God and the fear of eternal separation from God are not mutually exclusive, I think "Hellhouse" might emphasize the latter more than the former.

2) Teenagers are fickle in their passions and decisions, and a faith decision made from fear and guilt may not be the healthiest kind of faith decision.

3) This presentation of the gospel is almost completely separate from a Christian community, a necessary part of long-term, healthy discipleship.

4) It's not a haunted house. It's a frightening drama. Teenagers don't like to be tricked.

So, those are my frustrations with "Hellhouse." The simple solution for me, of course, is to not go, not take the youth group, and not spend the youth budget on something I find theologically and morally suspect.

But the funny thing to do is offer suggestions for improvement! So here's my ideas:

"Christian Haunted House" - Make it what it should always have been! You wander through dimly lit hallways and gory props and strangely dressed characters jump out and try to scare you, but all the props and characters are based on stuff from the Bible! You could have Sisera's head with a tent stake through it, a lion's den, a fiery furnace, the seven-headed beast from Revelation, demon-possessed pigs. The list goes on and on. It could be awesome!
Goal: Get kids interested in the Bible.

"Inferno House" - A guide dressed as Virgil escorts you through a haunted house with nine levels based on Dante's "Inferno." Features a full-scale city of Pandemonium, various mythological creatures, and in the ninth circle, inside an indestrial freezer, a large animatronic devil with Brutus, Cassius, and Judas dangling from his jaws. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!"
Goal: Get kids interested in classics of literature.

"Hades House" - A guide dressed as Odysseus or Hercules guides you through the ancient Greek underworld. Features Hades, Peresephone, a three-headed dog, a re-enactment of the myth of Orpheus, and interactive tortures where kids are 1)submerged to their neck where food and water are just out of reach, and 2)have to roll a large rock up a hill, but it rolls down just before you reach the top.
Goal: Get kids interested in mythology.

"Hell's Angel House" - A haunted house with bikers! Features leather chaps, music by the Rolling Stones, and special appearance by those guys from "Orange County Chopper."
Goal: Inform kids of motorcycle safety.

"Hellboy House" - Based on the characters of Mike Mignola, presents a live-action fusion of comic book superheroes, noir fiction, and various world mythologies and folklore. Purchase a "right hand of doom" gauntlet in the gift shop.
Extra: The best Hellboy cartoon.
Goal: Make money based on a movie character.

"Helsinki House" - It's a fight to the Finnish as you face a house full of bloodthirsty descendants of Vikings, hockey fans, and reindeer herders! Special appearance by Linus Torvalds, the creator of the Linux operating system.

There, I feel better now. Happy haunting!